I wrote this little parody two years ago. Now since this website has grown substantially, I figured it might be something to share yet again. True, it plays more to the 2010 election cycle, but it still makes the point. Enjoy.
Diary of Joe Plazlowski – Tea Party candidate from the Chicago suburbs:
Dear Diary – it is amazing, only two more weeks to Election Day. So far, the weather has been really nice here in Chicago. I really wanted to stay in bed this morning. I’m feeling a little frisky this morning. Too bad I can’t do anything about it since masturbation is adultery (O’Donnell).
Hopefully it won’t snow today, as I have to go pick up a campaign donation so I can pay my rent and some of my utilities (O’Donnell).
I will tell you, today was a crazy day. It was nice that I did get the morning off on the right foot. Some of the boys down at the lodge were holding an early morning SS reenactment (Iott), but this one was interesting. In this reenactment, we were going to do the capture of Anne Frank. Of course, most of us read the book, so we knew what to do. Still, if I was hiding Annie, I don’t know if I would have lied to the SS, because it really isn’t Christian-like to lie. I would have just told them she was upstairs (O’Donnell).
We got done with that early, at about 7 AM, which was nice because I had a long day ahead. After picking up the check, I went down to 7-Eleven and bought my usual donut and decaf. Jose was working again today. He is a nice kid. I don’t know where he is from though…I think me might be Chinese, or maybe Japanese. All those Asians look the same to me (Angle). Still, the fact that I was able to find out all that information about China’s plan for taking over the United States (O’Donnell), I might just have to keep an eye on Jose.
So, as soon as I walk into the office, the shit hits the fan. We have a third party candidate running in my district. This guy is a so-called “Tea Party” candidate, but we know that the only real Tea Partiers are in the GOP. So, my campaign advised me to call him and ask him to drop out. I told him I would give him all the access to the Washington insiders that he wanted, as long as he dropped out and supported me (Angle). But he didn’t budge. I guess we will have to deal with him.
After that phone call, I had to do some debate prep for Friday, as I will be taking on my socialist Democratic opponent. Of course, the issue that we wanted to prep for the most was gay marriage, as it has been the most important issue the last 30 years (Bachmann). I still don’t think homosexuality is a viable option (Paladino), any why people chose that lifestyle is beyond me.
We also touched on some other issues as well. We prepped on how Dearborn, Michigan is introducing Sharia Law (Angle). We also talked about that interesting article which talked about how mice now have fully functioning human brains (O’Donnell). Finally, we did do a little bit of prep on job creation. I still think this is a waste of time since Members of Congress have nothing to do with jobs creation (Angle).
That debate prep pooped me out, and it was only 10 AM. So, I got another coffee went to my office. One of my friends sent me a really funny email of President Obama dressed like an African tribal leader having sex with an antelope. It was one of the funniest things I have even seen. I had to email it to everyone in the office (Paladino).
Also while I was on my computer, I looked at my Twitter account, and was so pleased to see that Sarah Palin tweeted about our campaign. It looks like she is endorsing us! Yes! She did say I was running in Hawaii’s 3rd Congressional District (Palin’s Twitter), but still it is a nice gesture. I have to send her a fruit basket.
Also, while I was on the computer, I was able to do some research on the computer. There was a report that said abortions amongst underage rape victims has increased. Wow, this is sad! These kids just need to learn to grow up, deal with it and turn lemons into lemonade (Angle).
After a few hours in the office by myself, I finally was able to get out and do our door-knocking for the day. I will tell you, some of these people that we meet on the streets are crazy! We ran into this one lady, and she starts going off on how there is separation of church and state. First of all, Hitler was the first one that came up with this idea (Urquhart), I learned that from some of my SS reenactors. Second, we ALL know that isn’t in The Constitution! I mean, where does it say that? Nowhere! (O’Donnell).
After meeting some voters, we had a “meet the candidate” event at a local middle school. My security detail picked me up and dropped me off. As soon as I walked in the door, some “blogger” starts asking me about my recent apology to BP (Barton). That really made me mad; I told him that issue was off-limits (Miller). My security detail dealt with him quickly and handcuffed him (Miller). We will see how we will deal with him later. But still, thank god I had my security detail, as shootings in schools happen on a weekly basis (O’Donnell).
The event went well. We talked about how Medicare isn’t working (Rand Paul) and how my parents have to pay $800 a month in prescription drugs at the VA (Angle). Of course we all know Obamacare has already failed (Rubio), as the plan sets up panels that determine when we are all going to die (Palin).
Still, everything was going well until this damn mother of this 9/11 victim got up and started screaming! When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining (Beck). Anyway, she was talking about “terrorism”. Gezzz! I quickly straightened her out and told her that terrorism or the recession aren’t the important issues…it is the liberal media (Lamar Smith).
After the event, we went outside and saw a number of supporters. Some of them brought their guns (Miller). One showed me is Colt M4. But, to be perfectly honest, I like my old FG42 myself. Also, it comes in handy during my Nazi reenactments. Still, I went to my car, got my FG42, and compared it with my supporter’s guns; It was a good ole time!
With a good day’s work finished, we got into the car and headed back to the HQ. I forgot to add my Oxford education to my online resume. True, I only went there for a seminar on the mating rituals of goldfish, but I am going to put it down as part of my education (O’Donnell). As we started the car, some of the CO2 from the car started seeping through the air conditioning vents. Ah, no worries, not like CO2 is harmful anyway (Bachmann).
Anyway, we get back to the office, I changed my online resume and headed back home. Laying in bed right now just finishing today’s diary entry. At least I have a good read to close the night. My friend Rand Paul gave me this pamphlet on something called “Aqua Buddhism”. It looks quite interesting.
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